Lonely

first, thank you everyone for commenting and sharing your thoughts and opinions. The general consensus is that he is/was sleeping around on me. And that sucks. I feel like a fool because of it. That man never wanted for anything. I was so good to him.

I always swore that cheating would be a deal breaker. You know the saying...once a cheater always a cheater.
But right now, I'm not so confident in that decision.

Maybe because I am feeling a bit lonely. well not a bit, ALOT lonely. I'm trying to keep myself busy. It's just easier that way.

Maybe I need to be single for awhile....as I posted before, I've always had someone, and depended on them for my happiness and satisfaction.

Question....if your sig. other cheated, would you make a break...no hesitations about it?

In the Clear

I did a real stupid thing last night. I wasn't going to blog about it, but then that would defeat the purpose of me having this blog in the first place. So here goes.

After tossing and turning for hours, I could not sleep. I got up, and in my PJs I left my apartment and headed for his. It was 2am. I know I could have been setting myself up for humiliation, but I was willing to take that chance. It would have finalized things for me.

I didn't call first. I was able to get in without having to have him buzz me through. There was a couple leaving, so I slipped in. I went up to his floor, and knocked on the door. Had to knock about 5 times. He finally opened it...no shirt, boxers, looking extremely groggy. I woke him out of a dead sleep. Glad he was able to catch some Zzzzs. He said "Alex??".

I just walked past him, walked into his room, my heart in my mouth the entire time. He probably could hear my heart beating. I looked at the bed....empty. (sigh of MAJOR relief).
I got in the bed...with my PJs still on and entact. Got on the side I usually sleep on. Pulled the covers up, and curled into my fetal sleeping position. He must of stood there for a good 10 minutes, completely dumbfounded. Finally, he got back in bed on his side. He rubbed my head a little, and then I snuggled into him. He wrapped his arms around me, and that was the last thing I remember. I finally was able to fall asleep.

I'm sure you are wondering, but no, I did not have sex with him. I just needed some comfort. I'm still mad as hell, and upset with him, and I still don't know where we stand, or where we will stand. But at least I was able to sleep. I slipped out of the apartment before he woke up. I left him a note on his fridge:
"I still need to think about things, but thanks for letting me stay. Have a nice day"

He texted a few hours later "You are always welcome to stay. I love you."

I wanted to respond with "Is that contingent upon me calling first?". But I refrained.

I called the Gyno today. I must have dialed the number and hung up a hundred times before I finally had the guts to just get it over with. I'm in the clear... everything came back 100% clean. and thank goodness for that. The doctor said that I should come back in 6 months to repeat everything to do a double check. But for now, I'm good.

The Meeting

I'm back already from my meeting. And while everything is fresh in my mind, I'm posting it.

I made sure I was late to our little meeting. There was no way I was going to let him think for one minute that I was waiting for him. Can you sense the hostility? I stopped by the MAC counter at Macy's and got my face done on the way.

Anyway, when I got to the restaurant, I spotted him sitting at the bar and damn. He must have had the same immature thought that I did, cause he looked so good. I don't know if it was because I hadn't seen since last week, or if he was making an attempt to get me to crack. I was so freakin nervous. Can you believe that after over a year with this man, who's seen me naked, seen me totally uninhibited, I was nervous? It took every ounce of my being to walk over to him and not fall into his arms, or give him my smile.

When we were seated, he was fidgeting. I guess he was nervous as well. He gave me that bedroom smile and said "How's my muffin?"
I got up, and started to walk out. Was he kidding me?? This time he came after me. He said "Look Alex I'm sorry, I was just trying to break the ice.". I told him to save his sweet nothings, because that's exactly what they are to me...NOTHING.
I sat back down, and took control. I looked him straight in the eye, and asked what the fuck was he doing with me and why did he waste my time.
He said, it's not what you think. I took out my reciept from the Gyno. Told him that he has subjected me to be tested for things I can't even pronounce. He said it was un-necessary.
He went on to explain his behavior...all the calls and texts, the lounge receipt, the reaction to me showing up at his place without calling first, etc.
He said when he texts, they are with other women. When he went to the lounge, it was with other women, and it wasn't the first time. And then he went on to say that his relationships with these women is strictly platonic. He claims the reason why he kept it so secretive and under wraps is because he was afraid of what my reaction might be. Thought I would be very jealous and non-understanding about it.
So instead, I guess he figured lying would be better.

Before I go on, let me say this. I know I am not the perfect woman. I have my share of flaws. Glaring flaws. But I know, and am confident in the fact that I have given myself to this man. I shower him with attention, affection and love. I make love to him EVERY chance I get. I don't hold back. I make sure I am always sexy for him. What was I doing wrong that he felt the need to continue to receive the attention from these other women???? And why would he rather spend time with them, then with me? I have my fair share of male friends. I have always gotten along better with men then with women. But..given a choice...a night in a bar with the boys chugging beers, or a night with my man....he wins HANDS DOWN. there isn't even any hesitation.

I am still processing this all. IF he is telling the truth, what do I do? I still love him...unfortunately I can't shut that off as quickly as I turned it on. And to be honest, if he would have told me that he was meeting other females for drinks, etc, I would have definitely been jealous and not have liked that at all. But I would respect him more for being honest.

Back to the meeting...I couldn't respond to anything he was saying. Things were coming at me too fast, and I couldn't get my thoughts and feelings straight. I told him that I need time to process everything. And I was going to take as long as I pleased. I told him he hurt me deeply, and that I wasn't sure I would be able to recover from this.

So here I am, at home, alone. Well, I have a snickers here with me, but the advertising for them is false. As delicious as they are, they are NOT satisfying.
I think I am going to try and sleep and try to keep HIM off my mind for the time being. We'll see if that's possible.

I'm Here

I know I've been MIA. I fled to the only source of comfort I know...my mom's. She's great. Anytime we have a problem, or come to her, she just takes us in, showers us with love and affection and if we want to talk about it, fine, if not, that's cool too. I didn't talk about anything, I don't want to yet with anyone I know. Not until I figure things out. So all my virtual friends out there are my outlet, and I thank-you.

I still haven't spoken to HIM yet. We are scheduled to meet today. Tonight after work. At a neutral location ofcourse. I'm going to hear him out, and try to get my questions answered. I promise to report back tomorrow on how it all goes.

The STD testing was really rough. I get the results tomorrow. and let me tell you, if anything comes back out of the ordinary, I'll probably get locked up from the damage I am going to cause to a certain someone. I may need to be bailed out. lol

anyway, I've gotten a new hair-do, and I've splurged on a new wardrobe. My confidence needs to stay up, regardless of what he is going to tell me today. I know this is totally immature, and all you women out there can probably relate. But tonight I am going to be wearing the new drop dead sexy heels, and outfit I bought. I want him to feel like shit so he knows what he is missing.
Again, before you comment on how immature that is, I already know. It's just something I have to do...for me!

A special thanks to Saidy and Sophie. If only my girlfriends are as comforting and non-judgemental as you have been. =)

Mourning

I still have not spoken to HIM. I finally tried to listen to the voicemails, but I just hit delete everytime I heard "Baby please...."

Here are some questions that I want answered and I highly doubt at this point he'll give them to me:

1- If he is begging and pleading for me to talk to him now...how come he couldn't drop his phone call and come after me as I was storming out of his place.

2- Who went to the lounge with him. Was it the first time, how many others are there, were there.

3- Why do I have to call my man before going over

Anyway, I still need some space from him. I'm pretty sure that I am done with him. but damn, I love him to the point where it hurts. This is not going to be easy.

I made an appointment for tomorrow to go get tested for every STD known to man. Exactly how I want to spend my lunch break.

And as pissed off and hurt I am...I just want to be comforted in his arms. Made me realize that all the while we were together, I've always just craved that affection. To be wrapped up in his arms feeling safe and secure. but he couldn't even do that.

I bought every single snickers bar in the vending machine.
It's going to be a long day.

Wishful Thinking

I feel like I am only getting a bunch of highs and lows out of my relationship, and that can't be healthy. I'm craving some sort of consistency in my life right now. I thought my relationship would be that outlet for me, but I have the feeling I am strongly mistaken. Wishful thinking.

I blogged yesterday about how great of a weekend we had together. We laughed, we couldn't keep our hands off eachother, we shared intimate conversation, just all around goodness.

Yesterday I was still basking in my weekend bliss. I decided to share that happiness with my man. I wanted to surprise him by bringing him his favorite food over for dinner. I know he's busy during the week, so I had no intentions of staying...just to drop off his food and give him a hug.

I go and pick up Thai food. I get to his apartment. I sit outside his door as I do not have a key. and I wait. I hear his voice as he is coming up the stairs. He's talking and laughing away, almost with a flirtatious tone. He sees me finally, sitting outside his door. and he tenses. he says into his phone "i have to go". Hangs up. and instead of saying "Hi" or "Hello", I get a "What are you doing here".
I respond "Hello to you too. Just wanted to bring my man dinner, didn't think that would be a problem".
He said I should have called first.

And I'm left feeling like an ass.
At this point, I want to just run. Run away from this man I thought I knew, and never look back.
But that's always been my problem...running away.

I stand there and wait for him to open the door. my heart is in my stomach, as I just have this feeling I am not going to like what I may or may not see inside.
He unlocks the door, and we go in.

I quickly look around...trying to take in as much of the apartment as I could. Searching for something that would give me insight to his reaction to my un-announced visit.

He says again, I really wish you would have called. I responded with this:
"We have been together now for over a year. I didn't see the harm in surprising my man with dinner."

He tensed again. His phone started ringing.
He went to answer it..."Hi mom....."
While he was on the phone...I went to the bathroom.
On the vantity was some crumpled up receipts. One was to a lounge...dated for last wednesday, the amount $126.87
I don't remember him saying he was entertaining clients that night. In fact, I specifically remember him calling me to say goodnight...that he was going to sleep. And that was around 9pm. I checked my phone to make sure I was right.

Then I did the most childish thing. I stormed out of the bathroom, and threw the receipt at him while he was still on the phone.

And I left.

and I have not answered any of his calls. or listened to the 7 voicemails on my phone.

And as per usual...I am left feeling bad, like I did something wrong. Like I should have called first.

Weekend Warrior

I accomplished sooooooooo much this weekend.

I finally went through my entire wardrobe...sent everything I haven't worn in a year to charity, and sorted through everything else. Even found a few items that I forgot I had!! I will definitely be circulating them back into the rotation.

I also had a good time with my man. We laughed so much this weekend, I got the smile headache. You know...when your face gets sore, and your head starts to hurt from pushing the muscles upward?? It felt good. It even felt like I worked my abs. That's how hard we laughed.

and...I even was able to steal his attention football sunday. While he was screaming and yelling at the TV...I pranced around in nothing but stilettos. Was pretending to clean, dust, etc. Acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Next thing I know...football isn't the focus point of his attention. =) Made me feel like I still got it!!

Anyway, back to the grind, but I feel good that I had something postitive to blog about. Didn't want to start sounding like too much of a downer.