So that post last night was quite depressing. I'm going to make a sincere effort to be more positive about this new year. it's hard though...especially when you aren't where you want to be in your life.
i always swore i would have no regrets. and now all of a sudden i am finding that i have a ton. things that i am feeling like i regret now, that i didn't regret 2 years ago. funny how that works.

i'm having lunch today with my friend...the one i slept with on Christmas eve. so far, it hasn't been weird between us. We've carried on like we always do...but we have shared some extra giggles and smiles...you know the ones...where you share a look that says "i saw you naked...=)"

I going to post later about our lunch.

Also...last night i went out for a walk around the city. and guess who i saw? Him. i haven't seen him since october, when all the shit went down. he looked real good. especially with the woman on his arm. they were laughing...and they looked very comfortable together. the kind if comfort two people share when they have known eachother for awhile. so i guess my instinct was right!
he saw me. he looked as if he was about to say something, but i just gave him a wink, and walked off. i did not want an uncomfortable scene. he texted me later that evening...just a simple text that said "thank-you Alexandra."

Well, until later...Happy New Years Eve!

2008

This is the first New Years Eve in a while that I have no interest in participating in.
And why?
Because I do not have a special someone to share it with.
The thought of the ball dropping at midnight, and me standing there alone with no one to kiss scares me. It signifies another year of getting older, and no family of my own in sight.
I plan on spending the night alone, and going to sleep early. I do not wish to be around happy people buzzing off champagne with the hope of the new year to come in their glazed over eyes. I don't want the left over smooches and hugs. I want my own.

I should have went away. Someplace tropical. someplace to ring in 2008 around people who do not know me, who wouldn't ask questions, who would just have a good time.

I wish you all a happy and safe night though.
Cheers!

I'm Still Here

It's been forever and a day since I've jumped on here...but don't worry, I'm back.
I guess I just needed a little hiatus to get myself together again.
I've been extrememly single since my last post, and I am loving every freakin second of it. It's what I needed. I traveled, I caught up with friends and family that I had neglected over the year, and I geared up for the holidays. And....I've been on some dates. I'm feeling stonger every day, and I've been real good about having little to no contact with Him.

I had sex again too...happened Christmas Eve...how romantic is that? lol
An old friend of mine and I were at my place frantically wrapping Christmas gifts. We had some yummy red wine, had Christmas music on in the background, and we were talking about old times, laughing, etc...it was like a scene right out of a movie. I was feeling warm and fuzzy, and leaned in for a kiss...and he kissed me back! Next thing I know, we are in my bed...and it wasn't one of those hungry rip your clothes off and get it sessions...it was slow and sensual...and it was great!

I'm just hoping that doesn't make our friendship weird now though. I've known him since highschool, and we've never once crossed that line.
I always hear that once you sleep with a friend, it's downhill from there. Is that true?

Well I hope I still have some readers out there, and I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!!
xxoo

Lonely

first, thank you everyone for commenting and sharing your thoughts and opinions. The general consensus is that he is/was sleeping around on me. And that sucks. I feel like a fool because of it. That man never wanted for anything. I was so good to him.

I always swore that cheating would be a deal breaker. You know the saying...once a cheater always a cheater.
But right now, I'm not so confident in that decision.

Maybe because I am feeling a bit lonely. well not a bit, ALOT lonely. I'm trying to keep myself busy. It's just easier that way.

Maybe I need to be single for awhile....as I posted before, I've always had someone, and depended on them for my happiness and satisfaction.

Question....if your sig. other cheated, would you make a break...no hesitations about it?

In the Clear

I did a real stupid thing last night. I wasn't going to blog about it, but then that would defeat the purpose of me having this blog in the first place. So here goes.

After tossing and turning for hours, I could not sleep. I got up, and in my PJs I left my apartment and headed for his. It was 2am. I know I could have been setting myself up for humiliation, but I was willing to take that chance. It would have finalized things for me.

I didn't call first. I was able to get in without having to have him buzz me through. There was a couple leaving, so I slipped in. I went up to his floor, and knocked on the door. Had to knock about 5 times. He finally opened it...no shirt, boxers, looking extremely groggy. I woke him out of a dead sleep. Glad he was able to catch some Zzzzs. He said "Alex??".

I just walked past him, walked into his room, my heart in my mouth the entire time. He probably could hear my heart beating. I looked at the bed....empty. (sigh of MAJOR relief).
I got in the bed...with my PJs still on and entact. Got on the side I usually sleep on. Pulled the covers up, and curled into my fetal sleeping position. He must of stood there for a good 10 minutes, completely dumbfounded. Finally, he got back in bed on his side. He rubbed my head a little, and then I snuggled into him. He wrapped his arms around me, and that was the last thing I remember. I finally was able to fall asleep.

I'm sure you are wondering, but no, I did not have sex with him. I just needed some comfort. I'm still mad as hell, and upset with him, and I still don't know where we stand, or where we will stand. But at least I was able to sleep. I slipped out of the apartment before he woke up. I left him a note on his fridge:
"I still need to think about things, but thanks for letting me stay. Have a nice day"

He texted a few hours later "You are always welcome to stay. I love you."

I wanted to respond with "Is that contingent upon me calling first?". But I refrained.

I called the Gyno today. I must have dialed the number and hung up a hundred times before I finally had the guts to just get it over with. I'm in the clear... everything came back 100% clean. and thank goodness for that. The doctor said that I should come back in 6 months to repeat everything to do a double check. But for now, I'm good.

The Meeting

I'm back already from my meeting. And while everything is fresh in my mind, I'm posting it.

I made sure I was late to our little meeting. There was no way I was going to let him think for one minute that I was waiting for him. Can you sense the hostility? I stopped by the MAC counter at Macy's and got my face done on the way.

Anyway, when I got to the restaurant, I spotted him sitting at the bar and damn. He must have had the same immature thought that I did, cause he looked so good. I don't know if it was because I hadn't seen since last week, or if he was making an attempt to get me to crack. I was so freakin nervous. Can you believe that after over a year with this man, who's seen me naked, seen me totally uninhibited, I was nervous? It took every ounce of my being to walk over to him and not fall into his arms, or give him my smile.

When we were seated, he was fidgeting. I guess he was nervous as well. He gave me that bedroom smile and said "How's my muffin?"
I got up, and started to walk out. Was he kidding me?? This time he came after me. He said "Look Alex I'm sorry, I was just trying to break the ice.". I told him to save his sweet nothings, because that's exactly what they are to me...NOTHING.
I sat back down, and took control. I looked him straight in the eye, and asked what the fuck was he doing with me and why did he waste my time.
He said, it's not what you think. I took out my reciept from the Gyno. Told him that he has subjected me to be tested for things I can't even pronounce. He said it was un-necessary.
He went on to explain his behavior...all the calls and texts, the lounge receipt, the reaction to me showing up at his place without calling first, etc.
He said when he texts, they are with other women. When he went to the lounge, it was with other women, and it wasn't the first time. And then he went on to say that his relationships with these women is strictly platonic. He claims the reason why he kept it so secretive and under wraps is because he was afraid of what my reaction might be. Thought I would be very jealous and non-understanding about it.
So instead, I guess he figured lying would be better.

Before I go on, let me say this. I know I am not the perfect woman. I have my share of flaws. Glaring flaws. But I know, and am confident in the fact that I have given myself to this man. I shower him with attention, affection and love. I make love to him EVERY chance I get. I don't hold back. I make sure I am always sexy for him. What was I doing wrong that he felt the need to continue to receive the attention from these other women???? And why would he rather spend time with them, then with me? I have my fair share of male friends. I have always gotten along better with men then with women. But..given a choice...a night in a bar with the boys chugging beers, or a night with my man....he wins HANDS DOWN. there isn't even any hesitation.

I am still processing this all. IF he is telling the truth, what do I do? I still love him...unfortunately I can't shut that off as quickly as I turned it on. And to be honest, if he would have told me that he was meeting other females for drinks, etc, I would have definitely been jealous and not have liked that at all. But I would respect him more for being honest.

Back to the meeting...I couldn't respond to anything he was saying. Things were coming at me too fast, and I couldn't get my thoughts and feelings straight. I told him that I need time to process everything. And I was going to take as long as I pleased. I told him he hurt me deeply, and that I wasn't sure I would be able to recover from this.

So here I am, at home, alone. Well, I have a snickers here with me, but the advertising for them is false. As delicious as they are, they are NOT satisfying.
I think I am going to try and sleep and try to keep HIM off my mind for the time being. We'll see if that's possible.

I'm Here

I know I've been MIA. I fled to the only source of comfort I know...my mom's. She's great. Anytime we have a problem, or come to her, she just takes us in, showers us with love and affection and if we want to talk about it, fine, if not, that's cool too. I didn't talk about anything, I don't want to yet with anyone I know. Not until I figure things out. So all my virtual friends out there are my outlet, and I thank-you.

I still haven't spoken to HIM yet. We are scheduled to meet today. Tonight after work. At a neutral location ofcourse. I'm going to hear him out, and try to get my questions answered. I promise to report back tomorrow on how it all goes.

The STD testing was really rough. I get the results tomorrow. and let me tell you, if anything comes back out of the ordinary, I'll probably get locked up from the damage I am going to cause to a certain someone. I may need to be bailed out. lol

anyway, I've gotten a new hair-do, and I've splurged on a new wardrobe. My confidence needs to stay up, regardless of what he is going to tell me today. I know this is totally immature, and all you women out there can probably relate. But tonight I am going to be wearing the new drop dead sexy heels, and outfit I bought. I want him to feel like shit so he knows what he is missing.
Again, before you comment on how immature that is, I already know. It's just something I have to do...for me!

A special thanks to Saidy and Sophie. If only my girlfriends are as comforting and non-judgemental as you have been. =)

Mourning

I still have not spoken to HIM. I finally tried to listen to the voicemails, but I just hit delete everytime I heard "Baby please...."

Here are some questions that I want answered and I highly doubt at this point he'll give them to me:

1- If he is begging and pleading for me to talk to him now...how come he couldn't drop his phone call and come after me as I was storming out of his place.

2- Who went to the lounge with him. Was it the first time, how many others are there, were there.

3- Why do I have to call my man before going over

Anyway, I still need some space from him. I'm pretty sure that I am done with him. but damn, I love him to the point where it hurts. This is not going to be easy.

I made an appointment for tomorrow to go get tested for every STD known to man. Exactly how I want to spend my lunch break.

And as pissed off and hurt I am...I just want to be comforted in his arms. Made me realize that all the while we were together, I've always just craved that affection. To be wrapped up in his arms feeling safe and secure. but he couldn't even do that.

I bought every single snickers bar in the vending machine.
It's going to be a long day.

Wishful Thinking

I feel like I am only getting a bunch of highs and lows out of my relationship, and that can't be healthy. I'm craving some sort of consistency in my life right now. I thought my relationship would be that outlet for me, but I have the feeling I am strongly mistaken. Wishful thinking.

I blogged yesterday about how great of a weekend we had together. We laughed, we couldn't keep our hands off eachother, we shared intimate conversation, just all around goodness.

Yesterday I was still basking in my weekend bliss. I decided to share that happiness with my man. I wanted to surprise him by bringing him his favorite food over for dinner. I know he's busy during the week, so I had no intentions of staying...just to drop off his food and give him a hug.

I go and pick up Thai food. I get to his apartment. I sit outside his door as I do not have a key. and I wait. I hear his voice as he is coming up the stairs. He's talking and laughing away, almost with a flirtatious tone. He sees me finally, sitting outside his door. and he tenses. he says into his phone "i have to go". Hangs up. and instead of saying "Hi" or "Hello", I get a "What are you doing here".
I respond "Hello to you too. Just wanted to bring my man dinner, didn't think that would be a problem".
He said I should have called first.

And I'm left feeling like an ass.
At this point, I want to just run. Run away from this man I thought I knew, and never look back.
But that's always been my problem...running away.

I stand there and wait for him to open the door. my heart is in my stomach, as I just have this feeling I am not going to like what I may or may not see inside.
He unlocks the door, and we go in.

I quickly look around...trying to take in as much of the apartment as I could. Searching for something that would give me insight to his reaction to my un-announced visit.

He says again, I really wish you would have called. I responded with this:
"We have been together now for over a year. I didn't see the harm in surprising my man with dinner."

He tensed again. His phone started ringing.
He went to answer it..."Hi mom....."
While he was on the phone...I went to the bathroom.
On the vantity was some crumpled up receipts. One was to a lounge...dated for last wednesday, the amount $126.87
I don't remember him saying he was entertaining clients that night. In fact, I specifically remember him calling me to say goodnight...that he was going to sleep. And that was around 9pm. I checked my phone to make sure I was right.

Then I did the most childish thing. I stormed out of the bathroom, and threw the receipt at him while he was still on the phone.

And I left.

and I have not answered any of his calls. or listened to the 7 voicemails on my phone.

And as per usual...I am left feeling bad, like I did something wrong. Like I should have called first.

Weekend Warrior

I accomplished sooooooooo much this weekend.

I finally went through my entire wardrobe...sent everything I haven't worn in a year to charity, and sorted through everything else. Even found a few items that I forgot I had!! I will definitely be circulating them back into the rotation.

I also had a good time with my man. We laughed so much this weekend, I got the smile headache. You know...when your face gets sore, and your head starts to hurt from pushing the muscles upward?? It felt good. It even felt like I worked my abs. That's how hard we laughed.

and...I even was able to steal his attention football sunday. While he was screaming and yelling at the TV...I pranced around in nothing but stilettos. Was pretending to clean, dust, etc. Acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Next thing I know...football isn't the focus point of his attention. =) Made me feel like I still got it!!

Anyway, back to the grind, but I feel good that I had something postitive to blog about. Didn't want to start sounding like too much of a downer.

Muffin

That's what my man calls me. Muffin. It's his pet-name for me.

He started calling me that about 2 months after we started dating seriously.
"I miss you muffin"
"How's my muffin doing?"

I asked him what made him call me muffin. Inside, I was praying that it wasn't due to my slight love handles. Muffin Top in high school was a term deemed for girls who wore there pants/shorts/skirts so tight that their stomach poured over the top...portraying a "muffin top". I know I have a little bit of love handles...but I try to keep them in check, and certainly don't allow them to pour over anything I wear. Also, I know that "muff" is a term frat boys have created for a woman's most intimate area. So I was hoping that he wasn't calling me vagina in a round about way.
Anyway, his answer was because I am sweet and satisfying...just like a muffin.
I thought that was so cute. And I was totally relieved it had nothing to do with my love handles or down there.

So I grew very used to my nickname. I love love love it when he calls me muffin. Sometimes he says "Goodmorning Blueberry" or "I love you Bran". And I think it's totally adorable. Guys don't realize that little things like that can make a woman soar.

do you have a pet-name for yours?? what is it?

The weekend was uneventful...and the cell phone stopped exploding over in the corner. Usually I stay at my man's place, or he stays at mine on the weekend. Or one night at mine, one night at his.
He did do something peculiar though...he took the phone with him when he went to the bathroom. I don't think he knows I know that, but I am a fairly light sleeper. I saw him get out of bed, walk to the corner, unplug his phone, and proceed to the john. Stayed in there for about 10 minutes, came out, plugged the phone back in, and came back to bed. I guess at this point, I'm too worn out to allow myself to question and trip out over that.

We had a nice dinner in the village saturday night, and took a lazy stroll afterwards. Did a lot of touching, cuddling, nuzzling, etc, but I still feel like something is off. And I still can't put my finger on it.

He's gone for this whole week...away on business. So maybe that will give me some room to think.

Here's the clincher though...I received a letter from Dick yesterday.
It stated everything that I already knew from those lovely mutual friends. It also said that we had no real closure, and that he would like to establish that. So now, after 3 years of my heart breaking over and over again, and then finally healing, this ass wants to meet to obtain some type of closure. And what does that mean? Does he want to re-hash everything that happened? How he decided during the rehearsal dinner, the eve before our wedding that he couldn't go through with it?
And as angry as I am about this...part of me is curious. Is that human nature? Or me lacking good judgement?

I don't know what to do. I know friends and family would tell me to not even think about seeing him under any circumstance. I know my man now will not be happy about receiving this letter.

So I reach out to the anonymous people out there in blog world....what would you do? Would you go? would you tell your significant other?
or do you pretend you never received such a letter?

65%

My man finally called late yesterday afternoon to ask if I wanted to meet up for dinner and talk some more. I agreed.

He said that he understood where I was coming from, but the texts he receives are just innocent harmless messages from old friends.
I told him they weren't completely harmless if they left me feeling like shit.
I aked him to reverse the situation. asked him how he would feel if I was constantly receiving "innocent harmless messages from old guys friends". He didn;t need to respond, I could tell by his face that it would bother him to no extent. So hopefully that shed some light on the situation and it stops.

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. But if he is glued more to that phone then to me this weekend, there will be problems.

I also told him I would be changing all my passwords, unless he wanted to reciprocate and give me his. I made a stupid stupid move early on...I was waiting for a very important email, and was not able to check it from where I was, so I gave him my password and asked him to. I know that since then, he's been snooping around in there. I don't have anything to hide, but we are definitely not operating on equal grounds. He said he was definitely ok with me changing them as I am entitled to my privacy. I guess that's a nice way of saying, he wants to maintain his own.

Question: what do you think about couples knowing eachother's passwords??

In other news.... after dodging newly engaged way too happy coworker all week, she finally cornered me and asked if I had given any thought to being her bridesmaid. I told her that I am quite flattered for her offer, but I just have too much going on in my drama filled life right now, and it wouldn't be fair to her if I couldn't fulfill my bridemaids obligations. I told her I would help in any way I could on the outside. she was totally fine and perky with that and thanked me. so that's out of the way.

I still feel off. I feel like I am at about 65%. I can't shake whatever this dismal feeling is. Maybe the weekend will help with that....I hope.

Update

I pondered my situation all day yesterday. I finally decided that if I didn't do something about it, it wasn't going to get any better.
I called my man and told him that I felt like things were off this past weekend. He responded "how so?" and I told him that I felt like things were hot and cold. One weekend he's super affectionate and totally into me. The next, it seems like he's pissy and I'm nothing but an annoyance. I am the kind of person that needs consistency. Mood swings don't sit well with me.
He then said, "why don't you come over for dinner tonight to talk".
That was a complete and total shock.
He never seems to want to do anything during the week. I agreed, and we made plans.

I got to his place, and he greeted me warmly. He couldn't explain his mood change over the weekend, but he tried his best to assure me that he was into this relationship, and very much into me. And directly after he uttered that last word, his cell phone blared that completely horrid sound that signifies he has a text message.
Being the sappy female I am, my heart dropped. He jumped to his phone right away. It compltely killed the mood, and I became very agitated. I asked if the text message was that important that he had to interrupt our heart to heart to view it.
he was speechless.

I then grew this huge set of balls that I didn't know I had, and asked to see it.
He looked as if he was about to protest, but then handed the phone over.
It was from Cindy. and it said: WELL NOW YOU HAVE MY NUMBER, DON'T BE A STRANGER.

There was another from Marissa: HAHA, YOU TOO =) =)

funny how there were none from Alex saved.

I looked at him, straight in the eyes, and asked him to elaborate on the don't be a stranger bullshit.
He said that it was an old friend he ran into. Friend from college that he lost touch with and hadn't seen in years.

and Marissa? Her text meant you have a nice day too (smile smile). Why that was so funny that she had to write haha before it, I don't know.

Honestly, I am not thrilled about these. Maybe I'm being a crazed jealous lunatic. but it's sitting with me the wrong way.
And I let him know.
and he just shook his head (like he understood).

and then I excused myself, and went home.

I got a text about 2 hours later from him stating he loved me.

and I still don't know how I am going to handle these feelings dancing inside. I'm thinking of letting them settle a bit, and then try to think rationally rather than emotionally.

Question to all the men out there who HAVE A WOMAN. a serious relationship with a woman:
do you still flirtatiously text females other than your woman?

I'm extremely curious to read the answer.

Needy

The only good thing I have to say about today is the good weather. I love the crisp fresh air.

A few posts back, I wrote that my last relationship has left me with some issues. The biggest being insecurity.

The second is neediness.
I don't want to feel like I need a man. but life seems to be nicer when you are in love. My heart is huge, and I'm the girl that falls hard in love. With my new man, I tried to hold out on that, but once it came, I couldn't stop it.
He seems so much more independent than me. He can probably go for days and not miss me like I miss him. I can't figure out if that's a male/female difference in general, or if that's a wake the hell up Alex call.

I thoroughly enjoy spending time with my man. I can't wait until the next time I see him, I hear his voice...etc. I think he's great and wonderful. Sure I like my time to myself, but I love my time with him.

This weekend I felt like maybe I'm not on the same page as him. I swore after my ex that I would not settle.
These are things that I NEED in a relationship.
1- affection
2- respect
3- love

I'm not high maintenance by any means. I would much rather a hug than a material possession.
This weekend, I felt like I did not get a damn bit of any of the 3 above. After he left, I felt like maybe I should just end it before I end up with another broken heart.
but then I thought about last weekend, and how he gave me the 4 hugs a day and all that.

maybe he was having an off weekend. maybe men have the capability of being more moody than women?

all I know is that right now I'm confused and I'm feeling needy.

TGIF

This week felt like the never ending week.
I have been craving the weekend like you would not believe. I need to pamper my body mind and soul. I plan to do that by curling up with a good book, and a pint of ben and jerry's.

I've been a bit distant with the man these past few days. I've had a lot to think about, and wanted him to miss me. I think my plan back-fired though, and I ended up missing him terribly.

I am hoping to spend some quality time with him this weekend. Do something other than have sex. Maybe take a walk through the park, go out to eat, something...anything!

One of my co-workers announced her engagement today. I'm really happy for her, she was absolutely bubbling over. Over coffee (low-fat skim vanilla latte) she asked the dreaded question....if I would be a bridesmaid. Immediately the famous phrase jumped in my head "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride".
I told her that I would think about it over the weekend. That may sound cold to some people, but jeez. I don't have an outside of work relationship with this woman. We eat lunch together, take coffee breaks and whatnot, but never once have we shopped the malls, or even sipped some wine together. I've heard horror stories of co-worker bridal parties. and plus, I just don't have the energy.

I guess I will be researching ways this weekend of turning down the offer.

Has anyone been in this situation?
do you recommend doing it, or the hell with it?

Enjoy the weekend!!!

Follow Up

I walked the city a bit after work thinking about my situation with the man. I came to the conclusion that if me going to the movies alone bothers him, then I am going to respect that. There is going to come a time when I am not going to like something he does, and confront him on it (the cell phone maybe?) and how can I expect him to respect my feelings if I am not going to respect his.
I texted him "Going home after work to cuddle with my couch"
He texted back "Do you know how much I love you?"

That put the spring back in my step.

I was looking forward to going home and relaxing. Unfortunately, when i walked through the door and saw the red light on my machine blinking, I immediately sensed it was not going to be good. I get those feelings sometimes.

Before I get into the slew of messages I had to endure...I need to give some background info. My ex, I'm going to call him Dick. (short for Richard, right? haha) Dick and I did not have an easy breakup. Not that breakups are easy, but it wasn't a smooth transition. We had no closure after too many years, and we had no closure between our families as well. The one problem though...being together for so long has provided us with mutual friends. Sure, some of those fled just as quickly as the relationship did, but there were still the "loyal ones" that stuck around, and attempted communication with both me and Dick.
I try to keep my contact with them very limited...as the conversations never turn out to anything positive. And right now, I stear clear of negativity.
After the dramatic ending to our 7 year stint, Dick moved as did I. I fled to Florida. He fled to DC. I'm back now...and I had no idea what Dick did, until that red light was blinking in my face.

"Hey Alex, it's Eric. Haven't heard from you for awhile, I hope all is well. I miss you and your goofyness. Hey Ali listen, Dick just bought a house in DC. I talked to him the other day. Wanted to see if you knew. anyway, call me back sometime in the near future. "

This is what I mean. Do you really think I give a $**%^%#$% what Dick does? Why do our friends feel the need to report on eachother?
Messages like these are the ones that send me into a complete meltdown. I withdraw, I regress, I turn negative, which is what I am trying to avoid.

Is the only answer to completely remove myself from these so called mutual friends? and just get on with it?
Is there a happy medium?

Anyway, I deleted the message, and will not be calling Eric back for the time being.

I texted my man. "I hope you are having a nice time, feel free to stop by afterwards if you want."
He brings me an amazing amount of comfort. His arms feel so secure wrapped around me, and I was hoping to use him as my blanket tonight.

I fell asleep sometime around Letterman. But I awoke to a note taped to my fridge.
"I love watching you sleep. I even stole a kiss. Have a beautiful day".

I have to stop letting one person throw me down the dark path. I have something so good here...I need to really embrace that and go with it.

but it's still so hard.

Heated

The weekend high had to find it's low at some point. For me it was today, at 3pm.
My man called me at work, asked how my day was going, said he had just wrapped up a big meeting and wanted to hear my smile over the phone. I thought that was just about the sweetest thing I had ever heard.
He told me him and some co-workers were heading out for drinks and dinner after work. I was a bit disappointed...I wanted to ask him if he wanted to snuggle up tonight on the couch, watch some bad TV, and enjoy eachother's company. I am craving some intimacy today...some closeness with some warm skin. the rain always does that to me.
anyway, I did not make him aware of my disappointment. I told him to have a great time. and to call me before he fell asleep. He asked what I was doing, and I said that I may go catch a movie. Well that did not sit well with him. He could not comprehend the fact that people do go to the movies by themselves all the time. after the predictable back and forth banter, I told him that I had work to finish and that we could discuss this later, when we were both off the clock.
5 minutes after hanging up, I get a text. "I don't want you going to the movies tonight by yourself".
I have yet to answer him.
Here is my dilemma. I am the most loyal woman there is. I would never ever go behind my lovers back, I wouldn't even think it. That's just how I am. I also respect my man more than I can say. but at the same time, jeez...how is it that I am supposed to sit at home alone, when he can go out with the guys and BS over a dozen rounds.
why is it that when things are going so well, something has to happen to throw it off course?

Maybe a sappy chick flick, a bottle of the grapey goodness, and my couch is what I need.

4 Times a Day

A famous psychologist said that one thing a man can do for his woman is to hug her 4 times a day. This will help her to feel secure, and loved.
I guess my man caught a glimpse of that in one of the 900 self help books I have laying around the apartment. Because he did that this weekend when I saw him. And you know what? That psychologist is a genious. PURE genious.
The first hug came in the morning when I was cooking us up something to eat. My man can up behind me, and squeezed me tight. That set my mood for the entire day...giddy.
The second came out of no where. We were browsing through Macys...my man stopped me, and hugged me right there in the middle of the store.
The third came that night after I got out of the shower.
The 4th and final came right before bed. That one came with a kiss too.

That simple gesture left me feeling renewed. I didn't care about the blowing up cell phone in the corner of the room. I didn't feel insecure. I just went with the flow, and secretly thanked that psychologist.

Football started this weekend, so I didn't get to see as much of him as I would have liked. But it's ok...as long as those hugs keep coming, football can be year round! lol

I visited with my gal pals too. We went out, sipped some wine, and chatted about recent life events, and the normal stuff women talk about. They are all married with babies. I'm the only single one left. They envy my freedom, but little do they know...I envy what they have even more.

Texts

The good thing about finally treading out of the murky waters of what was my last relationship was that I freed myself from a lot of crap. I wised up, and was able to really determine what exactly it was that I wanted from a man, and in a relationship.

The bad was that I took some issues. Not some, alot. I took alot of issues with me.

My worst one now...insecurity. I never remember being insecure. I was always confident and sure of myself.
Now...not so much.

I'm in a progessive new relationship now. My guy is great...tall, absolutely gorgeous, smart as hell, funny, etc. He's older. Which I like, and don't like. He's extremely confident and sure of himself...almost pushing cocky. Almost.
We go out, and women stare at him. I pretend not to notice, but damn. His phone is always blowing up with text messages. Ofcourse I don't have the audacity to look, but dozens of thoughts run through my head. He can look at my phone at any given moment (which he has), and see nothing but harmless silly texts from friends and family. something tells me I wouldn't find the same with him.
Would you look? would I be a terrible person if I had a peek into his text messages?

First Post...EVER

Before I pay some guy in a tweed jacket to lay on his couch and talk about my "feelings", I've decided to try blogging first. If this doesn't work, the couch it is.

I've been an avid blog reader for awhile. Never dipped into it, until now...wish me luck.

Why am I needing a therapuetic outlet? Because after moving around, and a failed long relationship, I'm left with all sorts of feelings, and issues. Things that i've tried numerous times to talk about with friends and loved ones, but it never comes out right. I sound stupid or silly in my mind. So...I figured airing it all out here on a blog, where no one will judge, and I can be completely honest with myself, could prove to be beneficial to me....and cheaper.

I'm 29, but carry on like I'm a teenager. Not all the time, but most of it. I attribute that to being in a relationship for most of my life. Sort of like losing those years, and trying to get them back. I have a decent job in the corporate world. A cute apartment in the heart of NYC. Granted, it's the size of a closet, but it's perfect for now. Fun friends. And even a new relationship. But there is still a clutch on me...holding me back.

I guess that's why I am here. I pretend to know it all to those that surround me. But truth is my fellow bloggers...I'm clueless.

As I get into more of why I'm here, any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.