Muffin

That's what my man calls me. Muffin. It's his pet-name for me.

He started calling me that about 2 months after we started dating seriously.
"I miss you muffin"
"How's my muffin doing?"

I asked him what made him call me muffin. Inside, I was praying that it wasn't due to my slight love handles. Muffin Top in high school was a term deemed for girls who wore there pants/shorts/skirts so tight that their stomach poured over the top...portraying a "muffin top". I know I have a little bit of love handles...but I try to keep them in check, and certainly don't allow them to pour over anything I wear. Also, I know that "muff" is a term frat boys have created for a woman's most intimate area. So I was hoping that he wasn't calling me vagina in a round about way.
Anyway, his answer was because I am sweet and satisfying...just like a muffin.
I thought that was so cute. And I was totally relieved it had nothing to do with my love handles or down there.

So I grew very used to my nickname. I love love love it when he calls me muffin. Sometimes he says "Goodmorning Blueberry" or "I love you Bran". And I think it's totally adorable. Guys don't realize that little things like that can make a woman soar.

do you have a pet-name for yours?? what is it?

The weekend was uneventful...and the cell phone stopped exploding over in the corner. Usually I stay at my man's place, or he stays at mine on the weekend. Or one night at mine, one night at his.
He did do something peculiar though...he took the phone with him when he went to the bathroom. I don't think he knows I know that, but I am a fairly light sleeper. I saw him get out of bed, walk to the corner, unplug his phone, and proceed to the john. Stayed in there for about 10 minutes, came out, plugged the phone back in, and came back to bed. I guess at this point, I'm too worn out to allow myself to question and trip out over that.

We had a nice dinner in the village saturday night, and took a lazy stroll afterwards. Did a lot of touching, cuddling, nuzzling, etc, but I still feel like something is off. And I still can't put my finger on it.

He's gone for this whole week...away on business. So maybe that will give me some room to think.

Here's the clincher though...I received a letter from Dick yesterday.
It stated everything that I already knew from those lovely mutual friends. It also said that we had no real closure, and that he would like to establish that. So now, after 3 years of my heart breaking over and over again, and then finally healing, this ass wants to meet to obtain some type of closure. And what does that mean? Does he want to re-hash everything that happened? How he decided during the rehearsal dinner, the eve before our wedding that he couldn't go through with it?
And as angry as I am about this...part of me is curious. Is that human nature? Or me lacking good judgement?

I don't know what to do. I know friends and family would tell me to not even think about seeing him under any circumstance. I know my man now will not be happy about receiving this letter.

So I reach out to the anonymous people out there in blog world....what would you do? Would you go? would you tell your significant other?
or do you pretend you never received such a letter?

65%

My man finally called late yesterday afternoon to ask if I wanted to meet up for dinner and talk some more. I agreed.

He said that he understood where I was coming from, but the texts he receives are just innocent harmless messages from old friends.
I told him they weren't completely harmless if they left me feeling like shit.
I aked him to reverse the situation. asked him how he would feel if I was constantly receiving "innocent harmless messages from old guys friends". He didn;t need to respond, I could tell by his face that it would bother him to no extent. So hopefully that shed some light on the situation and it stops.

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. But if he is glued more to that phone then to me this weekend, there will be problems.

I also told him I would be changing all my passwords, unless he wanted to reciprocate and give me his. I made a stupid stupid move early on...I was waiting for a very important email, and was not able to check it from where I was, so I gave him my password and asked him to. I know that since then, he's been snooping around in there. I don't have anything to hide, but we are definitely not operating on equal grounds. He said he was definitely ok with me changing them as I am entitled to my privacy. I guess that's a nice way of saying, he wants to maintain his own.

Question: what do you think about couples knowing eachother's passwords??

In other news.... after dodging newly engaged way too happy coworker all week, she finally cornered me and asked if I had given any thought to being her bridesmaid. I told her that I am quite flattered for her offer, but I just have too much going on in my drama filled life right now, and it wouldn't be fair to her if I couldn't fulfill my bridemaids obligations. I told her I would help in any way I could on the outside. she was totally fine and perky with that and thanked me. so that's out of the way.

I still feel off. I feel like I am at about 65%. I can't shake whatever this dismal feeling is. Maybe the weekend will help with that....I hope.

Update

I pondered my situation all day yesterday. I finally decided that if I didn't do something about it, it wasn't going to get any better.
I called my man and told him that I felt like things were off this past weekend. He responded "how so?" and I told him that I felt like things were hot and cold. One weekend he's super affectionate and totally into me. The next, it seems like he's pissy and I'm nothing but an annoyance. I am the kind of person that needs consistency. Mood swings don't sit well with me.
He then said, "why don't you come over for dinner tonight to talk".
That was a complete and total shock.
He never seems to want to do anything during the week. I agreed, and we made plans.

I got to his place, and he greeted me warmly. He couldn't explain his mood change over the weekend, but he tried his best to assure me that he was into this relationship, and very much into me. And directly after he uttered that last word, his cell phone blared that completely horrid sound that signifies he has a text message.
Being the sappy female I am, my heart dropped. He jumped to his phone right away. It compltely killed the mood, and I became very agitated. I asked if the text message was that important that he had to interrupt our heart to heart to view it.
he was speechless.

I then grew this huge set of balls that I didn't know I had, and asked to see it.
He looked as if he was about to protest, but then handed the phone over.
It was from Cindy. and it said: WELL NOW YOU HAVE MY NUMBER, DON'T BE A STRANGER.

There was another from Marissa: HAHA, YOU TOO =) =)

funny how there were none from Alex saved.

I looked at him, straight in the eyes, and asked him to elaborate on the don't be a stranger bullshit.
He said that it was an old friend he ran into. Friend from college that he lost touch with and hadn't seen in years.

and Marissa? Her text meant you have a nice day too (smile smile). Why that was so funny that she had to write haha before it, I don't know.

Honestly, I am not thrilled about these. Maybe I'm being a crazed jealous lunatic. but it's sitting with me the wrong way.
And I let him know.
and he just shook his head (like he understood).

and then I excused myself, and went home.

I got a text about 2 hours later from him stating he loved me.

and I still don't know how I am going to handle these feelings dancing inside. I'm thinking of letting them settle a bit, and then try to think rationally rather than emotionally.

Question to all the men out there who HAVE A WOMAN. a serious relationship with a woman:
do you still flirtatiously text females other than your woman?

I'm extremely curious to read the answer.

Needy

The only good thing I have to say about today is the good weather. I love the crisp fresh air.

A few posts back, I wrote that my last relationship has left me with some issues. The biggest being insecurity.

The second is neediness.
I don't want to feel like I need a man. but life seems to be nicer when you are in love. My heart is huge, and I'm the girl that falls hard in love. With my new man, I tried to hold out on that, but once it came, I couldn't stop it.
He seems so much more independent than me. He can probably go for days and not miss me like I miss him. I can't figure out if that's a male/female difference in general, or if that's a wake the hell up Alex call.

I thoroughly enjoy spending time with my man. I can't wait until the next time I see him, I hear his voice...etc. I think he's great and wonderful. Sure I like my time to myself, but I love my time with him.

This weekend I felt like maybe I'm not on the same page as him. I swore after my ex that I would not settle.
These are things that I NEED in a relationship.
1- affection
2- respect
3- love

I'm not high maintenance by any means. I would much rather a hug than a material possession.
This weekend, I felt like I did not get a damn bit of any of the 3 above. After he left, I felt like maybe I should just end it before I end up with another broken heart.
but then I thought about last weekend, and how he gave me the 4 hugs a day and all that.

maybe he was having an off weekend. maybe men have the capability of being more moody than women?

all I know is that right now I'm confused and I'm feeling needy.

TGIF

This week felt like the never ending week.
I have been craving the weekend like you would not believe. I need to pamper my body mind and soul. I plan to do that by curling up with a good book, and a pint of ben and jerry's.

I've been a bit distant with the man these past few days. I've had a lot to think about, and wanted him to miss me. I think my plan back-fired though, and I ended up missing him terribly.

I am hoping to spend some quality time with him this weekend. Do something other than have sex. Maybe take a walk through the park, go out to eat, something...anything!

One of my co-workers announced her engagement today. I'm really happy for her, she was absolutely bubbling over. Over coffee (low-fat skim vanilla latte) she asked the dreaded question....if I would be a bridesmaid. Immediately the famous phrase jumped in my head "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride".
I told her that I would think about it over the weekend. That may sound cold to some people, but jeez. I don't have an outside of work relationship with this woman. We eat lunch together, take coffee breaks and whatnot, but never once have we shopped the malls, or even sipped some wine together. I've heard horror stories of co-worker bridal parties. and plus, I just don't have the energy.

I guess I will be researching ways this weekend of turning down the offer.

Has anyone been in this situation?
do you recommend doing it, or the hell with it?

Enjoy the weekend!!!

Follow Up

I walked the city a bit after work thinking about my situation with the man. I came to the conclusion that if me going to the movies alone bothers him, then I am going to respect that. There is going to come a time when I am not going to like something he does, and confront him on it (the cell phone maybe?) and how can I expect him to respect my feelings if I am not going to respect his.
I texted him "Going home after work to cuddle with my couch"
He texted back "Do you know how much I love you?"

That put the spring back in my step.

I was looking forward to going home and relaxing. Unfortunately, when i walked through the door and saw the red light on my machine blinking, I immediately sensed it was not going to be good. I get those feelings sometimes.

Before I get into the slew of messages I had to endure...I need to give some background info. My ex, I'm going to call him Dick. (short for Richard, right? haha) Dick and I did not have an easy breakup. Not that breakups are easy, but it wasn't a smooth transition. We had no closure after too many years, and we had no closure between our families as well. The one problem though...being together for so long has provided us with mutual friends. Sure, some of those fled just as quickly as the relationship did, but there were still the "loyal ones" that stuck around, and attempted communication with both me and Dick.
I try to keep my contact with them very limited...as the conversations never turn out to anything positive. And right now, I stear clear of negativity.
After the dramatic ending to our 7 year stint, Dick moved as did I. I fled to Florida. He fled to DC. I'm back now...and I had no idea what Dick did, until that red light was blinking in my face.

"Hey Alex, it's Eric. Haven't heard from you for awhile, I hope all is well. I miss you and your goofyness. Hey Ali listen, Dick just bought a house in DC. I talked to him the other day. Wanted to see if you knew. anyway, call me back sometime in the near future. "

This is what I mean. Do you really think I give a $**%^%#$% what Dick does? Why do our friends feel the need to report on eachother?
Messages like these are the ones that send me into a complete meltdown. I withdraw, I regress, I turn negative, which is what I am trying to avoid.

Is the only answer to completely remove myself from these so called mutual friends? and just get on with it?
Is there a happy medium?

Anyway, I deleted the message, and will not be calling Eric back for the time being.

I texted my man. "I hope you are having a nice time, feel free to stop by afterwards if you want."
He brings me an amazing amount of comfort. His arms feel so secure wrapped around me, and I was hoping to use him as my blanket tonight.

I fell asleep sometime around Letterman. But I awoke to a note taped to my fridge.
"I love watching you sleep. I even stole a kiss. Have a beautiful day".

I have to stop letting one person throw me down the dark path. I have something so good here...I need to really embrace that and go with it.

but it's still so hard.

Heated

The weekend high had to find it's low at some point. For me it was today, at 3pm.
My man called me at work, asked how my day was going, said he had just wrapped up a big meeting and wanted to hear my smile over the phone. I thought that was just about the sweetest thing I had ever heard.
He told me him and some co-workers were heading out for drinks and dinner after work. I was a bit disappointed...I wanted to ask him if he wanted to snuggle up tonight on the couch, watch some bad TV, and enjoy eachother's company. I am craving some intimacy today...some closeness with some warm skin. the rain always does that to me.
anyway, I did not make him aware of my disappointment. I told him to have a great time. and to call me before he fell asleep. He asked what I was doing, and I said that I may go catch a movie. Well that did not sit well with him. He could not comprehend the fact that people do go to the movies by themselves all the time. after the predictable back and forth banter, I told him that I had work to finish and that we could discuss this later, when we were both off the clock.
5 minutes after hanging up, I get a text. "I don't want you going to the movies tonight by yourself".
I have yet to answer him.
Here is my dilemma. I am the most loyal woman there is. I would never ever go behind my lovers back, I wouldn't even think it. That's just how I am. I also respect my man more than I can say. but at the same time, jeez...how is it that I am supposed to sit at home alone, when he can go out with the guys and BS over a dozen rounds.
why is it that when things are going so well, something has to happen to throw it off course?

Maybe a sappy chick flick, a bottle of the grapey goodness, and my couch is what I need.

4 Times a Day

A famous psychologist said that one thing a man can do for his woman is to hug her 4 times a day. This will help her to feel secure, and loved.
I guess my man caught a glimpse of that in one of the 900 self help books I have laying around the apartment. Because he did that this weekend when I saw him. And you know what? That psychologist is a genious. PURE genious.
The first hug came in the morning when I was cooking us up something to eat. My man can up behind me, and squeezed me tight. That set my mood for the entire day...giddy.
The second came out of no where. We were browsing through Macys...my man stopped me, and hugged me right there in the middle of the store.
The third came that night after I got out of the shower.
The 4th and final came right before bed. That one came with a kiss too.

That simple gesture left me feeling renewed. I didn't care about the blowing up cell phone in the corner of the room. I didn't feel insecure. I just went with the flow, and secretly thanked that psychologist.

Football started this weekend, so I didn't get to see as much of him as I would have liked. But it's ok...as long as those hugs keep coming, football can be year round! lol

I visited with my gal pals too. We went out, sipped some wine, and chatted about recent life events, and the normal stuff women talk about. They are all married with babies. I'm the only single one left. They envy my freedom, but little do they know...I envy what they have even more.

Texts

The good thing about finally treading out of the murky waters of what was my last relationship was that I freed myself from a lot of crap. I wised up, and was able to really determine what exactly it was that I wanted from a man, and in a relationship.

The bad was that I took some issues. Not some, alot. I took alot of issues with me.

My worst one now...insecurity. I never remember being insecure. I was always confident and sure of myself.
Now...not so much.

I'm in a progessive new relationship now. My guy is great...tall, absolutely gorgeous, smart as hell, funny, etc. He's older. Which I like, and don't like. He's extremely confident and sure of himself...almost pushing cocky. Almost.
We go out, and women stare at him. I pretend not to notice, but damn. His phone is always blowing up with text messages. Ofcourse I don't have the audacity to look, but dozens of thoughts run through my head. He can look at my phone at any given moment (which he has), and see nothing but harmless silly texts from friends and family. something tells me I wouldn't find the same with him.
Would you look? would I be a terrible person if I had a peek into his text messages?

First Post...EVER

Before I pay some guy in a tweed jacket to lay on his couch and talk about my "feelings", I've decided to try blogging first. If this doesn't work, the couch it is.

I've been an avid blog reader for awhile. Never dipped into it, until now...wish me luck.

Why am I needing a therapuetic outlet? Because after moving around, and a failed long relationship, I'm left with all sorts of feelings, and issues. Things that i've tried numerous times to talk about with friends and loved ones, but it never comes out right. I sound stupid or silly in my mind. So...I figured airing it all out here on a blog, where no one will judge, and I can be completely honest with myself, could prove to be beneficial to me....and cheaper.

I'm 29, but carry on like I'm a teenager. Not all the time, but most of it. I attribute that to being in a relationship for most of my life. Sort of like losing those years, and trying to get them back. I have a decent job in the corporate world. A cute apartment in the heart of NYC. Granted, it's the size of a closet, but it's perfect for now. Fun friends. And even a new relationship. But there is still a clutch on me...holding me back.

I guess that's why I am here. I pretend to know it all to those that surround me. But truth is my fellow bloggers...I'm clueless.

As I get into more of why I'm here, any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.