I did a real stupid thing last night. I wasn't going to blog about it, but then that would defeat the purpose of me having this blog in the first place. So here goes.
After tossing and turning for hours, I could not sleep. I got up, and in my PJs I left my apartment and headed for his. It was 2am. I know I could have been setting myself up for humiliation, but I was willing to take that chance. It would have finalized things for me.
I didn't call first. I was able to get in without having to have him buzz me through. There was a couple leaving, so I slipped in. I went up to his floor, and knocked on the door. Had to knock about 5 times. He finally opened it...no shirt, boxers, looking extremely groggy. I woke him out of a dead sleep. Glad he was able to catch some Zzzzs. He said "Alex??".
I just walked past him, walked into his room, my heart in my mouth the entire time. He probably could hear my heart beating. I looked at the bed....empty. (sigh of MAJOR relief).
I got in the bed...with my PJs still on and entact. Got on the side I usually sleep on. Pulled the covers up, and curled into my fetal sleeping position. He must of stood there for a good 10 minutes, completely dumbfounded. Finally, he got back in bed on his side. He rubbed my head a little, and then I snuggled into him. He wrapped his arms around me, and that was the last thing I remember. I finally was able to fall asleep.
I'm sure you are wondering, but no, I did not have sex with him. I just needed some comfort. I'm still mad as hell, and upset with him, and I still don't know where we stand, or where we will stand. But at least I was able to sleep. I slipped out of the apartment before he woke up. I left him a note on his fridge:
"I still need to think about things, but thanks for letting me stay. Have a nice day"
He texted a few hours later "You are always welcome to stay. I love you."
I wanted to respond with "Is that contingent upon me calling first?". But I refrained.
I called the Gyno today. I must have dialed the number and hung up a hundred times before I finally had the guts to just get it over with. I'm in the clear... everything came back 100% clean. and thank goodness for that. The doctor said that I should come back in 6 months to repeat everything to do a double check. But for now, I'm good.
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4 comments:
why was it stupid? you followed your heart. the important thing in life, to me anyway, is to live it to the fullest, without any regrets. dont regret from your mistakes, learn from them. your heart led you to his bed, and that's okay. this could either be the beginning of your closure or the beginning of your relationship. either way: you win.
Put his ass on probation, look for new penis, and make sure he knows it.
No man has “friends” that are women, because a man and his penis can not be parted. Yes men and women can be friendly, but not true friends without sex being an issue. Think of every guy you “think” you are friends with, the ones you might call to have drinks with alone. If you offered them the warmth of your insides, would they turn you down? No they would not, if you don’t believe me, go ask them. If they don’t answer in “I’d rather use my hand” 3 seconds, they want to be inside you.
Listen, if a guy goes and has drinks with a woman alone … he wants to tap that ass, simple and plain. A man’s mind is so simple it confuses women. If you bring him food, and his first words, “You should have called” and not “Thank you, lets have dinner together, then have sex with swollen bellys” his mind is not on you. Every man knows a woman needs gratitude and complements (unless their pimp game is, neglect and put downs), if he didn’t offer that to you and made you feel unwelcome he knows he’s messing up future coochie plans with you, and that’s plain stupid.
Sorry if I’m rambling, but I tend to do that. Anyways, stop trying to trust this guy. I haven’t read your blog much, but if you went from having a wonderful weekend to checking receipts in the bathroom the next day … you had your suspicions all along. Try getting a geek, we are way more appreciative of a woman and are smart enough not to ruin regular bedroom exercise.
By the way, Saidy sent me. I’m be checking in on you from time to time.
whoa, whoa, whoa! Although I truly believe your man is sleeping around on you, I think geekthug is waaaaaaaaay off base by insinuating that men can't be friends with females because they want something more. And put him on probation? What are you a District Attorney? And I'm sorry, but looking for new penis while you're still involved with him is subjecting yourself to the same games he plays. That is flat out ridiculous.
Look at everything that has happened. You sit at home miserable and upset thinking about him. You get up in the middle of the night to go to his place to feel validated, justified,appreciated, or plain old warmth. You discover receipts leading you to ask questions. Is he doing any of this? Sounds to me like he's sleeping really good at night without a care in the world. This looks a little imbalanced to me; but that's just my little opinion.
Anyway, I understand it may be hard to part ways with this guy because you've invested heavily in the relationship( and snickers) but it looks like it's time to move on. Obviously his agenda is a bit different from yours. Good luck.
i agree with jax, you are not in the place you deserve, and he should be doing more for not losing you. maybe he is very self-confident about you, i don't know. there is an imbalance
you should not be 'welcome', he should be begging to be welcome in your life after having this lack of sincerity after a year.
but don't worry alex about your weakness or if you do things that you feel like stupid, everything needs a time, and surely you will learn something valuable for yourself. try to love you first, you are such a beautiful and valuable woman
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