The Meeting

I'm back already from my meeting. And while everything is fresh in my mind, I'm posting it.

I made sure I was late to our little meeting. There was no way I was going to let him think for one minute that I was waiting for him. Can you sense the hostility? I stopped by the MAC counter at Macy's and got my face done on the way.

Anyway, when I got to the restaurant, I spotted him sitting at the bar and damn. He must have had the same immature thought that I did, cause he looked so good. I don't know if it was because I hadn't seen since last week, or if he was making an attempt to get me to crack. I was so freakin nervous. Can you believe that after over a year with this man, who's seen me naked, seen me totally uninhibited, I was nervous? It took every ounce of my being to walk over to him and not fall into his arms, or give him my smile.

When we were seated, he was fidgeting. I guess he was nervous as well. He gave me that bedroom smile and said "How's my muffin?"
I got up, and started to walk out. Was he kidding me?? This time he came after me. He said "Look Alex I'm sorry, I was just trying to break the ice.". I told him to save his sweet nothings, because that's exactly what they are to me...NOTHING.
I sat back down, and took control. I looked him straight in the eye, and asked what the fuck was he doing with me and why did he waste my time.
He said, it's not what you think. I took out my reciept from the Gyno. Told him that he has subjected me to be tested for things I can't even pronounce. He said it was un-necessary.
He went on to explain his behavior...all the calls and texts, the lounge receipt, the reaction to me showing up at his place without calling first, etc.
He said when he texts, they are with other women. When he went to the lounge, it was with other women, and it wasn't the first time. And then he went on to say that his relationships with these women is strictly platonic. He claims the reason why he kept it so secretive and under wraps is because he was afraid of what my reaction might be. Thought I would be very jealous and non-understanding about it.
So instead, I guess he figured lying would be better.

Before I go on, let me say this. I know I am not the perfect woman. I have my share of flaws. Glaring flaws. But I know, and am confident in the fact that I have given myself to this man. I shower him with attention, affection and love. I make love to him EVERY chance I get. I don't hold back. I make sure I am always sexy for him. What was I doing wrong that he felt the need to continue to receive the attention from these other women???? And why would he rather spend time with them, then with me? I have my fair share of male friends. I have always gotten along better with men then with women. But..given a choice...a night in a bar with the boys chugging beers, or a night with my man....he wins HANDS DOWN. there isn't even any hesitation.

I am still processing this all. IF he is telling the truth, what do I do? I still love him...unfortunately I can't shut that off as quickly as I turned it on. And to be honest, if he would have told me that he was meeting other females for drinks, etc, I would have definitely been jealous and not have liked that at all. But I would respect him more for being honest.

Back to the meeting...I couldn't respond to anything he was saying. Things were coming at me too fast, and I couldn't get my thoughts and feelings straight. I told him that I need time to process everything. And I was going to take as long as I pleased. I told him he hurt me deeply, and that I wasn't sure I would be able to recover from this.

So here I am, at home, alone. Well, I have a snickers here with me, but the advertising for them is false. As delicious as they are, they are NOT satisfying.
I think I am going to try and sleep and try to keep HIM off my mind for the time being. We'll see if that's possible.