Wishful Thinking

I feel like I am only getting a bunch of highs and lows out of my relationship, and that can't be healthy. I'm craving some sort of consistency in my life right now. I thought my relationship would be that outlet for me, but I have the feeling I am strongly mistaken. Wishful thinking.

I blogged yesterday about how great of a weekend we had together. We laughed, we couldn't keep our hands off eachother, we shared intimate conversation, just all around goodness.

Yesterday I was still basking in my weekend bliss. I decided to share that happiness with my man. I wanted to surprise him by bringing him his favorite food over for dinner. I know he's busy during the week, so I had no intentions of staying...just to drop off his food and give him a hug.

I go and pick up Thai food. I get to his apartment. I sit outside his door as I do not have a key. and I wait. I hear his voice as he is coming up the stairs. He's talking and laughing away, almost with a flirtatious tone. He sees me finally, sitting outside his door. and he tenses. he says into his phone "i have to go". Hangs up. and instead of saying "Hi" or "Hello", I get a "What are you doing here".
I respond "Hello to you too. Just wanted to bring my man dinner, didn't think that would be a problem".
He said I should have called first.

And I'm left feeling like an ass.
At this point, I want to just run. Run away from this man I thought I knew, and never look back.
But that's always been my problem...running away.

I stand there and wait for him to open the door. my heart is in my stomach, as I just have this feeling I am not going to like what I may or may not see inside.
He unlocks the door, and we go in.

I quickly look around...trying to take in as much of the apartment as I could. Searching for something that would give me insight to his reaction to my un-announced visit.

He says again, I really wish you would have called. I responded with this:
"We have been together now for over a year. I didn't see the harm in surprising my man with dinner."

He tensed again. His phone started ringing.
He went to answer it..."Hi mom....."
While he was on the phone...I went to the bathroom.
On the vantity was some crumpled up receipts. One was to a lounge...dated for last wednesday, the amount $126.87
I don't remember him saying he was entertaining clients that night. In fact, I specifically remember him calling me to say goodnight...that he was going to sleep. And that was around 9pm. I checked my phone to make sure I was right.

Then I did the most childish thing. I stormed out of the bathroom, and threw the receipt at him while he was still on the phone.

And I left.

and I have not answered any of his calls. or listened to the 7 voicemails on my phone.

And as per usual...I am left feeling bad, like I did something wrong. Like I should have called first.